You’ve had the same fight before.
Maybe it was last week. Maybe it was last night. Maybe it’s happening right now and you opened this email to avoid it.
Different words. Same pattern. Same unresolved tension sitting in your chest.
Let me show you what’s actually happening.
Mark came home at 6:30pm with an Apple box under his arm.
$1,200 laptop. Needed it for work. Didn’t mention it.
Lisa was at the kitchen counter. Saw the logo. Didn’t say anything. Just turned back to the dishes.
That silence lasted about ninety seconds.
Then she sat down and started crying.
Not angry crying. The other kind. The kind that means something broke.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she said. “Every time I think we’re okay, you do this. I don’t feel safe with you.”
Mark’s brain went straight to defense mode.
It’s for work. I needed it. You’re overreacting. Here we go again.
But he caught himself. Because this was year eight of the same fight. And he was tired. And for the first time, he actually heard what she said.
I don’t feel safe.
So instead of explaining the laptop, he asked a question he’d never asked:
“What are you actually afraid of?”
Here’s What You Need to Understand
They weren’t fighting about money.
Lisa’s parents lost their house when she was ten. Eviction notice. Boxes. Her mom crying in the driveway while the neighbors watched.
Every dollar Mark spent without asking put her back in that driveway. That’s not about the laptop. That’s about survival.
Mark’s dad worked seventy-hour weeks and died at 54 with $200K in the bank and nothing else. No vacations. No hobbies. No life.
Every budget conversation put Mark back at his dad’s funeral. That’s not about control. It’s about him refusing to die the same way.
Two people. Two childhoods. Same fight for eight years because neither of them could name what was actually happening.
Sound familiar?
The Fight You’re Actually Having
Proverbs 20:5 says the purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters.
Here’s what that means in your house: the thing you keep fighting about? That’s surface water.
Dishes. Screen time. Money. Intimacy. How to discipline the kids.
The real issue is twenty feet down. And most couples would rather fight about dishes for ten years than dive.
Because going deeper means saying the thing you’ve never said out loud.
I feel invisible.
I feel controlled.
I feel like I married the wrong person.
I feel like I’m failing and you’re keeping score.
I feel lonely in my own bed.
That’s terrifying to say. So you don’t. You fight about the dishes instead.
And the real issue stays buried. For years.
What Actually Changed
After Lisa said “I don’t feel safe” and Mark asked “What are you afraid of?” they stayed at that kitchen table for two hours.
No yelling. No defending. Just talking.
Lisa told him about the eviction. About watching her mom beg the landlord for two more weeks. About moving schools mid-year and lying to her friends about why. About the promise she made to herself at ten years old: This will never happen to me.
Mark told her about his dad. About the funeral. About his mom staring at the life insurance check six months later and saying, “He worked himself to death for money we didn’t need.” About the promise he made standing at the grave: I will not die with my life unlived.
Two valid fears. Both driving the same fight.
They made three agreements that night:
1. Stop mid-argument and ask out loud: “What am I really afraid of right now?”
Not “Why did you do that” or “Why are you acting like this.” What am I afraid of?
2. Name the fear before discussing solutions.
Because if you skip this step, you’re just negotiating about symptoms.
Lisa: “I’m afraid we’re going to lose everything and I won’t see it coming.”
Mark: “I’m afraid you’re going to micromanage me into the same prison that killed my dad.”
3. One small behavior change that addresses the fear, not the fight.
Mark: Discuss any purchase over $500 before buying.
Lisa: Full autonomy under $200. No tracking. No questions.
Six months later? They still disagree about money sometimes.
But they don’t have the same fight anymore.
Because now they know what they’re actually fighting about.
The Question You Need to Answer
What’s the fight you keep having?
I don’t mean the topic. I mean the pattern. The thing that shows up every few weeks with different words but the same ending. The argument you’ve had so many times you could script both sides.
Now ask yourself this: what are you actually afraid of?
Not the surface issue. The thing underneath that you’ve never said out loud because saying it feels too vulnerable, too dangerous, too much like admitting you’re failing.
Here’s the truth nobody wants to hear: most marriages don’t end because of affairs or addiction or abuse.
They end because two people spent a decade fighting about dishes and money and screen time without ever addressing the fear driving the conflict. And by the time they figured out what they were actually fighting about, they were too tired and too bitter to care anymore.
That’s the slow death. Not dramatic. Not sudden. Just two people in the same house who stopped trying.
You’re either headed there or you’re not.
And the only way to know is to ask the question Mark finally asked: What are you actually afraid of?
I walk through this exact framework step by step in 5 Red & Green Flags for Godly Relationships. Get the book on Amazon here.
Or if you’d rather talk it through, book 20 minutes with me here. We’ll figure out what’s underneath the recurring arguments and what to do about it.
All the best,
Jai Singh
Christian Life & Relationship Coach